Monday, August 27, 2007

Good News Week!

My rebellious nature has stood me in good stead. Just as well I didn't listen to the surgeon's 'the tumour hasn't shifted, you should think about immediate surgery' less than two months ago. My visit to Bristol, all the emotional 'work' I did there with various therapies and the change of diet have resulted in a very positive step forward.

The tumour has reduced in size by one whole third!!! As it was quite big, that's no mean feat.

Howzat(as British cricketers are victoriously wont to declare)!!?!

Of course, I didn't bother to tell the consultant why and how come - leave them to their little self-serving victories. I know what made the difference. And I'm not tilting at windmills any more - not fighting fights I have no need to fight. I no longer need to 'change the world' or feel my integrity is a risk if I'm not 'making things better' for those who are yet to come. I'll find other ways that don't bring me into hopeless clashes with other people who believe what THEY want to believe, come what may.

Oh, here's the grumpy bit - the last time I saw the consultant (after three and a half months of hormone therapy) there was the urgency for surgery, resultant 'disfigurement' so wouldn't it be lovely for me to have breast reduction on the NHS, etc. This time, the same consultant is saying we give hormone therapy for a MINIMUM of six months and AND the tumour has been steadily reducing all the way through! Yerwot? Yes, he even stated the tumour had reduced by 3mm last time. (But last time he told me it hadn't budged!)

How can the same CONSULTANT give you totally different news each time???? It hasn't changed/it had already started changing; surgery now/surgery not immediately needed...He just fudges the facts to fit his opinion. I thought SCIENCE looked at the facts first. Just as well I knew more than he did, wasn't it??! (I remembered the oncologist saying 'minimum of six months and I wasn't going to give up my chance of going to Bristol!)

I didn't KNOW that Bristol and the change of diet would have this effect. I did know, however, that if the surgeon removed the tumour and I didn't remove the reason for it to be there, that it wouldn't make any difference. And I was right. I've even come across other people saying the same thing now, so it's not that outrageous. Louise Hay has a meditation tape for people with cancer - she says the same thing about her own cancer : if she hadn't sorted out her 'issues', the surgeons would have cut a piece of Louise out and then had to cut another and another until there'd be no Louise left. That certainly resonated with me.

I must admit that living with hubby has returned me to hysterical frustration again - even without the stress of wondering every day if I'm closer to dying or closer to getting better. I am trying to wiggle my way out of this relationship but there's always a surprise waiting for me no matter which door I open. I guess he wants and needs this relationship more than he or I ever realised. I feel defeated right now but I promise you it won't last. Everything takes its own time.

I just wanted to let you guys know the good news.

With love and light!!

Monday, August 06, 2007

He did it again!

My son phoned yesterday for a friend to come round. Will Dad pick him up at 10am? Yes, of course.

So this morning, Dad leaves with plenty of time to pick up said friend (much earlier than necessary) and I discover he's left son to eat a late (hot) breakfast alone. I asked, surprised, "Has Dad left without you?" "Yes, I said he should go while I eat breakfast so I can take my time eating it." Son had decided on soup for breakfast!

I'm furious with my husband for allowing this kind of thing to happen. Said friend doesn't get son's company in the car, hubby has to deal with child (20-30 minute car ride). It's just not appropriate and it's not teaching our young teenager to take responsibility - as usual. Son didn't get up in time (actually he did - they could have managed that situation!); hubby HAS to get everywhere far too early (picking up time is NOT an appointment; he's going to arrive about 20 minutes before time!).

Scream! I'm furious. I worked hard with son over the past few days while hubby was away. He was learning to take responsibility. He WANTS to gain some independence and do things for himself. He wants us to go away so he CAN! But hubby constantly undermines him, just as he does me. And I know by now that there's no point in reasoning or in saying anything AT ALL! It just causes bad vibes, bad mummy, me at screaming point through the sheer frustration of not getting through, son gets conflicting messages from us, husband feeling unappreciated and (probably) confused...bloody hopeless.


PS Having vented my spleen here, I successfully negotiated my frustration and dealt with things in a positive way by tackling son and explaining that he needs actively to take more responsibility because his father can't help him do that because of all his own issues. That must sound like a terrible betrayal of hubby and a negative burden on my son but I'm in a new place and my fear of shaming others, and the inevitability of my taking the blame on their behalf, being the fall guy, is over.

PPS By the end of the day, the coals had been heaped so high by my husband's inability to 'be the adult', 'be the parent' that, when I learned he'd let someone down in a way that put it at my door again (back to being the fall guy), I 'blew' and the day's frustrations all came out. He has acknowledged his immaturity in being able to respond and this has put things on a different footing but I'm back to tears of frustrated, angry hopelessness (if there can be such a thing!).