Monday, December 04, 2006

What You Should Know About Canada

This is in honour of Sidhe, (because her local moose have been lurking and are obviously planning something).

Its also rather ancient.

Its also proof that I can sit on an old funny for years, but then so is the state of my marriage.


These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. ...............

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


Blogger fineartist said...

What a scream.

I especially liked the ATM question, wait it was the answer I liked best.

Oh and the hippo races and the choir inquiry.

Of course I’m naked.

Thanks for this Cheryl.

12:11 AM  
Blogger beckyboop said...

Well, I'll tell ya...I don't want to go to Toronto if there are no supermarkets. hee hee

4:23 AM  
Blogger Dita said...

As a Canuckian, that is the funniest pun I've seen for sometime. Thanks. A.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous cheryl said...

As a Canadian, this provoked outright hysterical laughter, followed by uncontrolled giggling. Excuse me while I get back to building my igloo.

12:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh bless my stars and garters, I'm so glad I did those Kegel exercises before reading this! Almost fell off my dogsled and spilled my beer, too, Cheryl - starting with your introduction to the post. You couldn't have sent anything sweeter, not even a parade.

This brought me right back to youthful days working in the tourist mecca of Banff (Banf-fe-fe) Alberta where we were all told the cautionary tale of the waiter who was fired for answering the question "is that SNOW on the mountains" with the deadpan response "no, it's angel shit". He probably went into comedy and contributed to this gem.

oh, I gotta go - there's a Surrey girl chasing my husband around the house ...

2:56 AM  
Blogger Jill Browne said...

Please continue the righteous work of telling the world the truth about Canada ;-)

12:00 AM  

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